Friday 30 November 2012

Celebrity Tweets (The Most Awful Title I've Ever Written)


To all who may read this,

Certain aspects of a certain Blogger have recently come to my attention, and I feel it is my duty to inform you about them.  The Blogger in question is  Mr Bumferry Hogart of Thoughtless Gibberish fame.

Now, let’s be clear on this matter before we start; I am not of the homosexual persuasion.  I have spent countless hours contemplating the majesty of boobies to the point that my long term cognitive reasoning has been irreparably affected.  I have been in a stable, heterosexual relationship for the last 9 years of my life, and I’m proud of it.  However, a guy like Bumferry can turn a chap’s head.

What a hunk!

Bumferry is, in the rawest sense, a complete and utter sex beast.  I've tried to keep my secret for Bumferry, well, secret of course.  However, I feel like I am going to explode in a shower of bromance if I don't declare my deepest love and attraction to this delicious chunk of man.

Bumferry’s nipples are delectable.  They proudly protrude into my daily thoughts, giving me a sudden urge to purchase gallon after gallon of olive oil.  Jacuzzi share prices sky rocket whenever me and Bumferry are in the same time zone as each other.

I have a fantasy where I’m in the middle of deepest, darkest Peru.  I’ve fallen into a pit of quick sand and I’m slowly sinking.  As the tireless pull of the shifting sand drags me to the point where my head is submerged, I suddenly find a lasso has somehow secured itself around my waist.  At that final moment, I am pulled to safety by none other than Bumferry.  He is shirtless, wearing a pair of light denim jeans and an explorer’s hat.  As he hoists me to safety, he scoops me up by putting his left arm behind my knees, lifting me up and holding me tightly.  He feels warm and comforting, like a security blanket made of pure man.  He carries my off into the sunset as “Love lifts us up where we belong” plays in the background.

For those who are feeling bemused, creeped out, or a little bit turned on, there is a reason why I’m confessing of my love for Bumferry.  Basically, I lost a bet and this is the loser’s forfeit.

Last Friday we set ourselves a challenge on Twitter.  We had to try our hardest to get celebrities and companies (any type of famous Twitter account) to either Retweet, Favourite or Reply to our Tweets.  Whoever had the most by the end of the week would be declared the winner.  The loser had to write a post about their attraction to the winner.

I managed to get a measly score of 4 during the challenge.  I really tried, but it seems that most celebrities are either too ignorant or too humorless to respond.  I refuse to believe that it's because I'm an inconsequential nobody.  I used every tactic I could possibly think of, from flattery:



To humour:


To customer service accounts for corporations:



To the downright bizarre:



For those that don't know, Derek Acorah is a medium.   A shit one at that.


It seemed that nothing would work.  Then I started telling outrageous lies, which seemed to achieve a modest degree of success:




A birthday tweet from Hulk Hogan when it's not even my birthday?  How on Earth could I possibly top that?


Yes, a Retweet from Danny John-Jules.  The guy who plays The Cat on Red Dwarf!  Hey, it matters to me dammit!

So yes, I failed the challenge and Bumferry is the God of all sex.  This evidence will be submitted in my trial for harassing celebrities over Twitter.  

EDIT:  Just one more thing.  If you fancy following either myself or Bumferry on Twitter, now you can.  You will laugh, you will cry, and you will probably regret doing so.

16 comments:

  1. I don't know what this Twitter thing is your on about. If you had such strong feelings for me then just say so. all this "I'm not gay - but my boyfriend is" is just silly.

    PS- I'm not a gay either. I have no colour co-ordination, do not know the words to any musical and hate the smell of KY jelly. hahahaha...

    But in all seriousness: LOOOOOOOOSSSSSSEEEERRR!!!!!!!

    hahahahha.

    It has been a fun week and now the best part comes where I can stop harassing ant and/or dec and "unfollow" them and all the other pig ignorant so-called celebs and get back to whatever it is that spend my day doing.

    Fuck 'em man.

    Well played. I take my hat off to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think Ant and Dec need a bit of harassment, to be honest with you.

      I may have lost the challenge, but this was rather fun to write. Perhaps a little too fun... Nevertheless, I will be gracious in defeat and not threaten to cut you.

      GG

      Delete
  2. That sounds like a fun contest. I'll have to head over to his Twitter to see what he did to win.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I edited the post so you can find and follow him on Twitter. If you can't be bothered to scroll up, it's here: https://twitter.com/SinkingShip_UK

      Delete
    2. I didn't do much to honest. Slightly less threatening than that bloody pigeon.

      Delete
  3. You got a retweet from The Cat AND a birthday message from The Hulkster? Damn I really am jealous over that. No celebrity has ever responded to me but then again I've never really asked them to. I think your bromance is starting to become a full on manlove though, you might want to re-evaluate your heterosexuality.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I should have got extra points for The Cat and Hulk Hogan, but alas, the rules of the contest reflect the way I make love. Quantity over quality.

      Delete
  4. Sorry that you lost, but I love that you lost because your loss was our gain. Also, Bumferry's victory lap in the comments there was the cherry on top.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well at least someone got a kick out of it. If you'd like me to write some muppet/pickleope erotica, just let me know.

      Delete
  5. I agree that Mr H is a true genius, a wit of the highest class and a worthy winner . . . . . . . I tried to help you both by being your mate on Twitter but was deeply hurt when you both tweeted .....

    Push off Rob we need real celebrities not a mad bloke we cant get away from....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are already a celebrity in my heart, Rob.

      Delete
  6. I'm sorry, my mind got stuck on the Red Dwarf thing. Was season X good? Was it a season or just a special? Who is your favorite character? What is your favorite episode? I wish they would have made a movie. I'm gonna go before I really embarrass myself. Sorry you lost and all, but Danny John-Jules!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, series X was rather good. Much better than 7, 8 and those goddamn specials. It was a full series and it focused on being funny rather than some contrived sci-fi plot. Favourite character is Rimmer, favourite episode is Gunmen Of The Apocalypse (isn't it everyone's?), and now I've just embarrassed myself more than you could hope to.

      Delete
    2. I haven't seen anything after 8, and they took it off of Netflix. I like "Quarantine" 'cause of Mr. Flibble. And the one with Ace Rimmer in it. I like Dave the mostest.

      Delete
  7. Gah, you have to NSFW this stuff, Addman! Luckily I had time to tame the monster before my boss did her daily rounds.

    But, not half bad, Addman. It was a good effort. Who did Bumferry Hogart get to respond?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your boss might have taken it as a compliment.

      I think Bumferry got James May, Radio 4, the ghost of Terry Nutkins, and some guy I've never heard of. Basically, boring English people.

      Delete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.