Monday 5 November 2012

Fashion Is Rubbish


As the days pass by, a growing number of the Earth’s population are now younger than me, while a dwindling number are older than me.  It’s almost as if something is killing the older ones off, leaving wave after wave of newer, fresher people. 

Understandably, these younger people are much trendier than I am.  I’ve hit a difficult stage in my life where I don’t tend to hear of the latest fashions until almost everyone else has picked up on them, but I’m not old enough to ignore them completely.  As a result, I find myself getting angry at the fact that shops don’t sell the same clothes that I wore 5 or 10 years ago, back when I was a lad.  My black skull T shirts have all been replaced, and what they have been replaced with is weird and scary.  Here’s a few examples of current fashion trends that get on my tits:

Toms



Alternatively known as canvas shoes, Toms are fine in certain circumstances.  For example, as a shoe to wear on the beach, without socks, to get you across the rough concrete between the sand and your holiday apartment, they’re perfectly fine.  They are suited to this purpose since they’re flimsier than a cobweb in a monsoon and you’ll probably throw them away once the holiday is over anyway. 

They are not, however, suited to torrential rain or icy footpaths in the heart of wintery England.  The kind of person who wears Toms in these circumstances is the type of person who misses their holidays.  Maybe they were havin’ it large in Aiya Napa four months ago and still has a massive hangover from there.  Perhaps they have just forgotten to change their clothes since arriving back.  Either way, they are idiots and should be mocked mercilessly until they run home, barefoot and crying.

The main problem with Toms is that they get very dirty very quickly.  They go from clean to filthy faster than a diarrhetic donkey trapped in the laundry room of a Nunnery.   When you trudge through the sludge and slush that England’s pavements are renowned for, they’re going to turn dirty faster than a Paris Hilton celibacy pact.  Considering that you’re paying at least £40 to wrap a cheap alternative to a Tesco Bag For Life around your feet, that seems a bit steep to me.

Grandad Jumpers



There’s a reason they’re called Grandad jumpers, because they’re supposed to be worn by elderly men.  You’re not being ironic or retro by wearing one of these monstrosities; you just look like someone who is being made to wear a tragic Christmas garment by their gran.

Wizzard once sang “oh I wish it could be Christmas, everyday”.  While their childish sentiments were well intentioned, I imagine that several manchildren took this to heart and decided to wear Christmas jumpers on a regular basis.  If Wizzard could see the post apoca-fashionistic hell they’ve helped to create, I’m sure they’d instantly commit suicide, twice.

Stupid Fucking Hair



I don’t know how to describe this haircut other than “fucking stupid”.  I use this term to describe guys who shave the sides of their head and leave a greasy, curly mop on top.  This leaves them looking like they can only afford half a haircut.

When I was a kid there were a few other kids who had pudding-bowl haircuts.  These children were not mocked or bullied.  We realised they were probably too poor to have their hair cut properly, and their parents probably lacked the necessary skills to do anything else.  However, a person who pays for incomplete hairstyles needs to be hunted down and subjected to the very worst that schoolyard bullying has to offer.  I am already working on a technique that combines the Nipple Cripple and a Chinese Burn.  Once it is perfected I will teach others with the sole stipulation that it is used on these kinds of people.

As this is a place of sharing, what fashion trends are annoying you at the moment?  Don’t be shy to contribute, this is a place where we can heal and grow together.

30 comments:

  1. Ahhhh stupid fucking haircuts fill me with rage! Boo shaved sides of head popularized by Skrillex. Hooray diarrhetic donkey trapped in the laundry room of a Nunnery (I'd pay to see this).

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    1. Skrillex is to blame? At least now I have an excuse to dust off my torch and pitchfork.

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  2. Well I've never been one for fashion anyway, even when I was younger. So I can't really complain about how terrible the fashion is nowadays. Though weird hair never gets any less amusing.

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    1. My rule is, if someone on T4 is wearing it, it's awful and should be destroyed.

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  3. I think that picture is perfect for the stupid fucking haircut. Because he looks dead behind the eyes. Like he died inside as a result of his hair. Which is really quite fitting.

    Also, you mentioned Toms, but you didn't mention Crocs. Or maybe that was on purpose, because it's never okay to wear Crocs.

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    1. Yes, Crocs are the footwear equivalent of the stupid fucking haircut.

      I used to work in a hospital about a year ago. The medical staff had taken to wearing Crocs because they were comfy. If I were a patient, I'd demand to see a doctor who wasn't wearing stupid fucking shoes.

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  4. I have never heard of Toms, If someone said they were wearing Toms shoes I would assume Tom did not mind. As for the jumper, I like a good jumper in the winter they keep me warm but why would the youth of today wish to look like Val Doonican. I tried asking a few and they said who is Val Doonican, really it hard to believe they have never heard of Val Doonican, but then I don't know who Tom is....

    As for the hair, well lets face it he does not look entirely happy to me, so may be demanding a refund in this picture.

    My own pet hate of the moment in fashion is the desire by men (youngish men) to wear suits and the like a couple of sizes too small . . . . .. WHAT is that all about trousers that end several inches above your ankle and a jacket so tight that either it will not do up or one Mac-Muckburger and it will rip apart at the seams.

    By the way Red Dwarf theme . . . . . . . .. I think not.

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    1. ...well I think so. Me and you will be having strong words later I think

      I agree with the whole short trousers thing. Your patterned socks are not cool. Stop showing them off.

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  5. One 'word': UGGs. I don't see the appeal.

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    1. This, but especially when men wear them. They remind me of those bearpaw slippers. You might as well wear them with pyjamas.

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  6. Brightly colored skinny jeans are up there on my list next to beige rain coats. When I see a guy donning pink ball huggers, a bow tie, and "stupid fucking hair," I just want to bath in a radioactive pool of science goo, turn into a giant green man, and throw the fashion-failer into a shallow puddle.

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    1. Oh god, the bow tie thing is awful. I hate the ironic geek thing that trendies are going for. If you want to look like a proper geek, wear a wolf shirt with at least two cheeto-dust handprints on the stomach, grow your hair down you back, and carry an Asian bodypillow around with you

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  7. Damn I am sure I wrote a comment . . . . . . what happened there? maybe I should never have mentioned val Doonican

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    1. Blogger often flags your comments as spam for some reason. Maybe because they're generally rather long. I still appreciate them though.

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  8. So my argentine mother in law used to bring me back a slew of those canvas shoes when she came home from vacations. They are alpargatas, peasant shoes, that cost next to nothing in south america.
    "Tom" is a genius, bringing this popular shoe North and charging 25 times as much.

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    1. That's crazy. Next time I visit deepest, darkest Peru, I will steal a tribal bone nose piercing and bring back to society as a fashion accessory. I'll be rich!

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  9. This haircut is hardly new; it reminds me of that worn by the Prince Regent, the future George IV. If the guy sporting this doo knew anything about George IV he'd run to Super Cuts right away.

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    1. I see. So they're taking retro to it's logical conclusion? I can't wait until we get back to Flintsone style animal skin unitards.

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  10. I am especially bothered by decorative spectacles. Anyone who is wearing them without necessity is an idiot. I could always let them borrow my spare pair and see if they start to appreciate being able to see and take off those moronic things.

    http://thetravelin-gineer.blogspot.com/

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    1. Another good point. I hated those Kanye West venetian blind specs. I'm sure if you are a creepy stalker who can't live without the sensation of peeping through someone's blinds, they're great. Otherwise, they're shit.

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  11. I hate that new fashion trend of wearing pants. Stupid pants. All up on your legs and stuff. Everybody looks stupid in pants.
    Yeah, if I had to pick a trend I hate, it'd be pants. Banana hammocks are OK, though.

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    1. Do you know what else I hate? People who wear clothes on Nude Tuesday. What a bunch of posers.

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  12. I've heard some whispering about an attempt to bring bubble skirts back. We really need to squash this one quickly. What would be next? Parachute pants?

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    1. This is what gets me, why does everything need to be bought back? Can't we have something new, like tin underwear or velcro socks so you can walk up walls?

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  13. Hilarious post! All the retro stuff coming back! Shoot I can remember having to wear Oxford shoes when they weren't popular, then they became all the rave! TG that happened, a little too late though for all the play ground poundings of the 70's though! Also the "stupid haircut" sort of looks very Christian Gray, so I expect it'll make a splash the world over! :)

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    1. I imagine that Christian Grey would conform to all these hideous fashion trends. Gives me another reason to dislike the books.

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  14. Added to this should be those who wear short shorts or long shorts (which should be called short trousers in my book) when worn in cold weather. Long johns are not cool or trendy either. I own two pairs and will be forced to wear them if it gets any colder...

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    1. I've never owned a pair of long johns. However, I think the best way to avoid the cold might be to wear a spacesuit. I wonder if NASA can spare a few.

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  15. Skinny jeans on males. I can't stand that stuff.

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    1. If you have to peel your trousers off of your legs, you probably shouldn't be wearing them.

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