Monday 25 February 2013

Sony Conference 2013

Last week, the world’s most rapidly shrinking company held a press conference to announce their new, next gen console.  The Playstation 4 was unveiled to great fanfare; a two and a half hour lecture about dreams, content, clouds, and other miscellaneous wistful vocabulary.  But what did any of it mean?  I decided to summarise it for you so you don’t have to sit through a lengthy conference that those poor games journos were subjected to.  I mean, they were paid to sit and listen to a man talk about a medium they are interested in.  That’s hell on Earth right there!

Anyway, let’s take a look at the main points raised by this press conference:

Playstation 4 Has A New Controller

Look at this thing!  It has a blue light on it!  That’s awesome.  It also has a “Share” button.  The functions for this are almost endless, but the main use is for your mum to come in and press it, forcing you to let your sister have a go on Spyro The Dragon.


Also:  Nicer triggers and thumbsticks


It Will Play Some Games

Sony showed off a couple of games.  A shooty game, a driving game, and a shitty game.  Specifically Killzone: Shadowfall, Driveclub and Knack respectively.  This confirms that Sony’s machine will in fact play games and not the unfathomably abstract, social applications of your dreams.

Other People Can Watch You Game

Using the “Share” button on the controller, you can send people screenshots and videos of your gaming exploits.  You can invite people to watch your game session, offer advice, or even to take control of your character and make him leap straight into a pit of snakes.  Also, with the Playstation Eye peripheral, people can watch you masturbating in your living room while your dog glances at you quizzically.

The PS4 Has And Hasn’t Got Backwards Compatibility

People have been speculating for weeks and months as to whether the PS4 will be backwards compatible with older games.  Well, Sony shocked the gaming world by confirming that the PS4 simultaneously will and won’t support the full library of old Playstation titles.  You can’t pop a PS1, 2 or 3 disk in and expect it to run.  However, you can stream old games online.  But you probably have to pay for it or rebuy your old games.  But hey, you can stream them!


It Is Good At Rendering Old People

Are you sick and tired of playing young whipper-snappers in games?  Are you bored by controlling lithe, athletic men who are able to leap around and shoot guns?  Well, the Playstation 4 is just the thing you need in your life.  It can simulate the aging process accurately by depicting every winkle and crease with a cellulite-ridden avatar of you.  Age has never looked so good!  In fact, the console is rumoured to have a feature where it will go into “sleep mode” in the middle of a game, giving you chance to nap.

A man shows off a man's face at the Sony Conference


It Has A Typical PC Architecture

Some hardware specifics were revealed which put the PS4 in line with current high spec PCs.  It has an AMD x86 processor, which doesn’t mean a great deal unless you jack off over hardware specs until your gigahertz.  To games developers it does mean a great deal, as the PS3’s Cell processor was rather aptly like a locked door without a key, making it difficult to program for.  Although this doesn’t promise better games, it does offer hope that Playstation ports of games won’t be hideous.

Dreams

I lost track of the conference at some points, but I’m sure he spoke about dreams at some point.  I suspect that you’ll be able to upload your dreams somehow and have other people comment on them.  “LOL soggy mattress fail”.



As I'm sure you'll agree, the PS4 will usher in a new era of stuff and things.


24 comments:

  1. "jack off over hardware specs until your gigahertz"

    That's good stuff. I will not be getting the PS4 regardless of what features it has. I am more of an XBOX man. Unless Sony pulls way ahead in capabilities, I don't see that changing.

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    1. I imagine both consoles will be comparable in terms of capabilities. Despite the sarcasm of my post, I am quite intrigued by the Share button, but I suspect Microsoft won't be far behind with their own similar feature.

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  2. I would prefer one that masks the shame of wasting so much time gaming rather than one that gives you the option to share it with the world. Not that gaming is shameful, but when it acts as a substitute for normal, human interaction, that's the "hide" feature I'm looking for. Also, with my rapidly dwindling coordination due to massive alcohol abuse, I'd like an option that steadily devolves with my reflexes until I'm back to playing Pong.

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    1. Great ideas. If the console could hide your achievements to make it seem like you've been doing housework rather than playing games, that'd be a bonus. How about a voice-activated feature where the console vouches for you?

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  3. I'm an xBox person, but with Sony's new masturbation machine, I might rethink my alliance. My only worry would be accidentally hitting the share button, inviting a slew of sexually frustrated teens to view my own sexual frustration, and then having to register as a sex offender.

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    1. Well if you do become a sex offender, you'll have to stay inside more, meaning you'll have more time to play games!

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  4. I'm really looking forward to neglecting that new Share button! Because if there's one thing I love in the anti-social world of video gaming, it's sharing that anti-socialism with everyone on my Facebook friend's list!

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    1. I think that's the same compulsion that makes me "like" tragic statuses on Facebook.

      "Just ran over my cat. RIP Sprinkles."

      You like this.

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  5. I've heard about the PS4 and all of it's "cool" features, and I for one can't wait until the PS4 essentially becomes chatroulette with men playing games in the nude.

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    1. I think that's a future we can all look forward to. A future we can proud of to leave behind for our children.

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  6. I still play Tekken on my old PlayStation 1 console, so I have no idea what you're talking about. :)

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    1. There's nothing wrong with that. I think it's great that you've still got a working PS1, they don't build 'em like that anymore.

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  7. I have something terrible to admit here something that might shock you and many others Addman it is why I had to take on a false name and wear a paper bag on my head with little eye holes, although I could do with one to eat through too. Eating via a straw stuck though the eye hole is not easy. Yes I do not play any games on any form of console, the reason is very very simple I tried it once on some sort of device against a three year old child and a dog and got well and truly beaten in a game where I had to do something and go somewhere to get something. To this day I do not know where I was going or what I had to get but I was eaten at least a hundred times much to the amusement of the three year old and the dog. . . . .

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    1. I hear that dogs are almost unrivalled when it comes to Street Fighter. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

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  8. I thought playstations were for watching Blu rays on. But what do I know, I like velcro.

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  9. I felt like I learned a lot from that post. I can't tell you what I learned exactly but I know it was something. Last thing I need is to download my dreams and have the wife watch them. "no, honey that was not your sister."

    found you through ABFTS.

    new follower.

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    1. Thanks, and welcome. To be fair, I think it would be great to watch people's dreams, especially if those dreams are about dinosaurs.

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  10. Ah..So we finally will get to see people uploading their dreams uploaded to facebook. Will be a break from reading their hourly status messages.

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    1. I imagine a teenage boy's Facebook feed would read like an erotic Dan Brown novel.

      "And then she took off her clothes and it was hot"

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  11. I literally have nothing to say in relation to this...nothing...and if I buy a PS4 I get to share my nothingness with everyone I dont even know in reality already? Is that right? Is this even real? Who am i?

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    1. Erm, yes, you're pretty much correct. Doesn't it make you excited for the future of console entertainment?

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  12. The 'share' button sounds terrifying... a bit like when spotify accidentally hooks up to your facebook, letting everyone see that you're listening to the Rocky Horror Picture Show album xx

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    1. If that happened to me, it would tell everyone that I'm listening to long, drawn out death rattles, and screams from the souls of the damned. Anything to relax, really.

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