It's the year of our lord 1651, and there is a lot that the modern sophisticated ladies of today need to know. Puritanism is the new thing, and since Mr Cromwell taught us about sins of the flesh, we need to look our best while not enflaming the sexual lust of our menfolk. It's tough to stay bang on trend, but fear not, as we have a pull out supplement on the latest wimples for you on page 25.
|It may be hard to keep your hands off of him, but ladies, refrain from pouncing on Mr Oliver Cromwell.|
Also, make sure those ankles are covered. Bare ankles are not only sinful, but positively medieval darling. As such, our cover story this month is an expose on exposing yourself like that in public. We speak to one woman on the way to the gallows to discover how her life has been irreparably ruined since she failed to wear the appropriate length of skirt. The slut!
Black is the new black, but what shade is right for you? Our style editor, Sister Octavia is here to tell you just how black you can go before you cannot go back. Turn to page 63 for our black colour chart.
As times change, eating in is becoming the new not eating at all. England has a vast supply of turnips for all occasions, and you can be part of this culinary revolution by reading our turnip recipes on page 74. There's roast turnip with a side of turnip, turnip jeux on bread, and our fabulous turnip surprise! We also tell you how to prepare the turnip so that it looks a lot less like genitalia, thus getting you arrested for owning sexualised vegetables.
|Bulbous and delicious|
Being 17th century gals, we all like a good cocktail party with our girlfriends now and again. From page 100 we recommend some excellent cocktails using only gin that will make you the talk of the town!
May the lord bless these pages and may he forever watch over you in the bathroom.
~ The editor
Page 5: 101 Sex Tips! How to cool things down in the bedroom and refrain from sexual activity in the name of Puritanism.
Page 16: Scurvy Dos And Don'ts.
Page 39: Health And Beauty. What animals can you smear on your face to appear acceptable in public?
Page 43: Powdered Wigs, they're not for the likes of you!
Page 59: Hunks In Socks. See the latest gentry in nothing but their knee-high socks, short silky trousers, petticoats, and frilly sleeves!
Page 67: Leeches - How many is too much?
Page 78: Fragrances. Badger piss or otter semen?
Page 85: Witchcraft And You. How to avoid accusations and burning. 17 sensational tips!